I read “dear Nice White People” and thought “Oooo....well....Austin is talking to me, I think.” Damn. (Can I say that here?) This was GOOD. Thanks for the truth and for making it free so I can forward it to I don’t even know how many people yet.
YES. Thank you. I SO needed to read this. It's forced me to think about how to respond the next time my principal asks me to "watch what I post on social media" because it might offend some families at the Christian school where I teach ("it's important to remain neutral"). Neutral is not where I stand when it comes to speaking up for others or against racism and straight-up hate. I will definitely be sharing this with those who share my frustration.
It hurts because it’s true. I realized this when I left the anti-lgbtq institutions I had worked for my whole career and suddenly wasn’t scared to speak up. Appreciate you very much, Austin.
YES! I so clearly need this reminder. You are just speaking to me through all kinds of ways this month! I JUST talked to my 69 year old mother. She and her bible study group of other 70-something white, small town South Dakotans just finished your book. A book I am ashamed to say that I had been too “shy” to bring up with my mom because I was worried my mom would be “too frail” to read it without being “offended” or “hurt”. When I asked her about it, my mom said, “One woman asked why the author wasn’t ‘nicer’ and why she was so ‘angry’ and I said, ‘Well, she’s not being mean - she’s being honest. And OF COURSE she’s angry! How could she NOT be angry? It wouldn't be real or true if she wasn't angry! WE should be angry, too! I saw myself in all the things she said and I need to change. And we ended our discussion agreeing that we are changed and cannot be silent anymore.” Boldness = change!! I am so disgusted to think how much passion is not ignited by our niceness. Thank you for the much needed reminder!
Don’t forget those of us who are afraid of getting it “wrong” As someone who was overly sheltered as a kid in a small, nearly all white community (we had black neighbors once and they moved away after a few months, as they didn’t enjoy being the only blacks in town), race was never really spoken about. In our church it was certainly “love all” and “we are all brothers in God’s kingdom” but there were only white people in that group. When I moved to the “city” I learned that the house we purchased was in a section that used to be black and through gentrification was now all white. And the corporation that I worked at had one black and she was led with the charge of teaching us all about discrimination (it was her actual full-time job in the training department). And I honestly had never really thought about it. Never thought about my privilege, actually thought that black people wanted to teach whites all about how to not be racist (yeah, I know). I had been an “all lives matter” because I was ignorant - and I believe I was happy to be ignorant. Thank you for sharing, even though I know it is exhausting and we still aren’t getting it. Thank you for your book and your articles. I don’t know if you see a change, but know you’ve made an impact on me, and that has spread to my husband and now my kids. I’m more thoughtful of the books that we study for history and black history is now included (which has also opened my eyes in a huge way). They will not grow up in the dark of white privilege that I grew up in. And it all started with reading your book. It’s not falling of deaf ears.
If you are afraid of getting it wrong, I promise you likely already have. Your silence is not neutral (meaning not harmful). You’ve probably already offended, or your silence has hurt or you didn’t respond when a person of color hoped you would. If you’re going to get it wrong, might as well get it wrong trying to make a difference.
Oh, thank you for this answer. I'm wired to get "all" the info before speaking. So though I've been listening and learning for the last several months (I know, sounds like I'm wanting applause for being a nice white person), I never quite feel I've gotten ENOUGH info yet to be able to answer every question eloquently and thoroughly. But as you wisely point out: my silence is not neutral. The silence itself can be harmful. This is a good push. Thank you.
Thank you for putting words to this issue in your voice! I have tried to explain why I don't want to be "a nice white person (add Christian)" anymore. It has cost me my job, my church, my friends and some other things. I say that not to make me feel better, but to keep me fired up. I'm done with the "system" as it is and I want change. I cannot sit and watch the gospel continue to be "rewritten" to make white people feel better.
Well hell yes! You slapped me up one side of my face and then the other, just what I needed.
My biggest fear is sounding inadequate, doing an injustice to what I’m standing for but after reading this, I am getting in the way of my own self. Thank you for this honest post to the questions you are asked over and over.
I truly believe that fear is the core of the issue, and that it runs deeper than what we, as white people, believe or know. Shame and fear are reptilian brain responses, which indicates that for white folks, avoidance on this topic is more deeply rooted than any Bible study is going to unearth. Menakem and DeGruy point to the need for white folks to face the reality that our theology and our identity are absolutely intertwined with white-body supremacy and white privilege. Anything that "threatens" that identity is met with a deep-seated fear. Sadly, it's a fear response that has become a culture for us and it hurts us and POC at every turn. Toni Morrison, James Baldwin, Howard Thurman, James Cone.... they knew it (and I would venture to say that most POC know it, if not all) which is why Baldwin challenged white folks that we don't know ourselves. We need to to extract a positive white identity that is free from white-body supremacy and white privilege--but when the church has been built upon the same stuff, it's not just individual identity that's at stake. The American church's identity is on the line, too. I'm with you. It's high time we stopped making POC answer our questions and do our work for us. We have so much work to do. Thank you for this!
Andrea, this is an interesting contribution. I am familiar with Dr. Joy but not Menakem. I will make it a point to explore her work. If I may offer, in addition to what you have shared, that shame and fear are also undesirable emotional responses for Black people, although they are more likely to be evoked by entirely different events and circumstances. Whereas white people might fear the devaluation of their social currency and feel shame at the loss of station it previously afforded them, Black people’s fear is generally rooted in the looming losses of more essential facets such as health, livelihood, stability, freedom and life itself. Our shame stems from fear (or fatigue) driven acquiescence to the constant requirement to mask, shrink, comply, pretend, ignore, restrain, stand down, assimilate, code switch, debase, and self-deprecate to disarm ‘others’ and make them feel more comfortable with us. Because we know without a doubt that our survival and successes are inextricably tied to the comfort, security, self-esteem and dispositions of our white colleagues, bosses, neighbors, etc., we learn to manage and even coexist with our fear and our shame. We do so by making successive conscious and deliberate choices that override our natural instincts. If we can, you guys can, too. Agape.
Andrea, thank you for this thoughtful contribution and the readiness to point out the fear and shame aspect and our neurobiology, that keeps us in limbic mode.
Austin, thank you. Thank you for calling me out, for waking this nice white person to the truth. I am afraid. You nailed it. That said, this is how change, real change happens. I am a nurse, I know how to advocate. In fact, I am an expert in advocating for my patients rights and needs, often In the face of negative consequences. So really, no excuse. I have what it takes, and will not be afraid.
You said it LOUD and you are spot on. Thank you for saying this, we white pepo need to hear this.
I haven’t written this loud in awhile and it feels really good.
Thank you for helping all of us. I do mean all of us.
I'm new here so not sure how to like comments but yes this 110%
I read “dear Nice White People” and thought “Oooo....well....Austin is talking to me, I think.” Damn. (Can I say that here?) This was GOOD. Thanks for the truth and for making it free so I can forward it to I don’t even know how many people yet.
Yes! You can always say that here. 🤣
YES. Thank you. I SO needed to read this. It's forced me to think about how to respond the next time my principal asks me to "watch what I post on social media" because it might offend some families at the Christian school where I teach ("it's important to remain neutral"). Neutral is not where I stand when it comes to speaking up for others or against racism and straight-up hate. I will definitely be sharing this with those who share my frustration.
Perhaps the CHRISTIAN school has some work to do
It hurts because it’s true. I realized this when I left the anti-lgbtq institutions I had worked for my whole career and suddenly wasn’t scared to speak up. Appreciate you very much, Austin.
Took a break from my planned post on "things white people should know" series to share this. Kick in the pants for me. Thanks for calling me out.
YES! I so clearly need this reminder. You are just speaking to me through all kinds of ways this month! I JUST talked to my 69 year old mother. She and her bible study group of other 70-something white, small town South Dakotans just finished your book. A book I am ashamed to say that I had been too “shy” to bring up with my mom because I was worried my mom would be “too frail” to read it without being “offended” or “hurt”. When I asked her about it, my mom said, “One woman asked why the author wasn’t ‘nicer’ and why she was so ‘angry’ and I said, ‘Well, she’s not being mean - she’s being honest. And OF COURSE she’s angry! How could she NOT be angry? It wouldn't be real or true if she wasn't angry! WE should be angry, too! I saw myself in all the things she said and I need to change. And we ended our discussion agreeing that we are changed and cannot be silent anymore.” Boldness = change!! I am so disgusted to think how much passion is not ignited by our niceness. Thank you for the much needed reminder!
This is spot on! ❤
Don’t forget those of us who are afraid of getting it “wrong” As someone who was overly sheltered as a kid in a small, nearly all white community (we had black neighbors once and they moved away after a few months, as they didn’t enjoy being the only blacks in town), race was never really spoken about. In our church it was certainly “love all” and “we are all brothers in God’s kingdom” but there were only white people in that group. When I moved to the “city” I learned that the house we purchased was in a section that used to be black and through gentrification was now all white. And the corporation that I worked at had one black and she was led with the charge of teaching us all about discrimination (it was her actual full-time job in the training department). And I honestly had never really thought about it. Never thought about my privilege, actually thought that black people wanted to teach whites all about how to not be racist (yeah, I know). I had been an “all lives matter” because I was ignorant - and I believe I was happy to be ignorant. Thank you for sharing, even though I know it is exhausting and we still aren’t getting it. Thank you for your book and your articles. I don’t know if you see a change, but know you’ve made an impact on me, and that has spread to my husband and now my kids. I’m more thoughtful of the books that we study for history and black history is now included (which has also opened my eyes in a huge way). They will not grow up in the dark of white privilege that I grew up in. And it all started with reading your book. It’s not falling of deaf ears.
If you are afraid of getting it wrong, I promise you likely already have. Your silence is not neutral (meaning not harmful). You’ve probably already offended, or your silence has hurt or you didn’t respond when a person of color hoped you would. If you’re going to get it wrong, might as well get it wrong trying to make a difference.
Oh, thank you for this answer. I'm wired to get "all" the info before speaking. So though I've been listening and learning for the last several months (I know, sounds like I'm wanting applause for being a nice white person), I never quite feel I've gotten ENOUGH info yet to be able to answer every question eloquently and thoroughly. But as you wisely point out: my silence is not neutral. The silence itself can be harmful. This is a good push. Thank you.
We have to learn as we work
Wow! Thanks for challenging me.
All of this! Thank you Austin!
Thank you for putting words to this issue in your voice! I have tried to explain why I don't want to be "a nice white person (add Christian)" anymore. It has cost me my job, my church, my friends and some other things. I say that not to make me feel better, but to keep me fired up. I'm done with the "system" as it is and I want change. I cannot sit and watch the gospel continue to be "rewritten" to make white people feel better.
Well hell yes! You slapped me up one side of my face and then the other, just what I needed.
My biggest fear is sounding inadequate, doing an injustice to what I’m standing for but after reading this, I am getting in the way of my own self. Thank you for this honest post to the questions you are asked over and over.
Sincerely, a work in progress.
Good words.
I truly believe that fear is the core of the issue, and that it runs deeper than what we, as white people, believe or know. Shame and fear are reptilian brain responses, which indicates that for white folks, avoidance on this topic is more deeply rooted than any Bible study is going to unearth. Menakem and DeGruy point to the need for white folks to face the reality that our theology and our identity are absolutely intertwined with white-body supremacy and white privilege. Anything that "threatens" that identity is met with a deep-seated fear. Sadly, it's a fear response that has become a culture for us and it hurts us and POC at every turn. Toni Morrison, James Baldwin, Howard Thurman, James Cone.... they knew it (and I would venture to say that most POC know it, if not all) which is why Baldwin challenged white folks that we don't know ourselves. We need to to extract a positive white identity that is free from white-body supremacy and white privilege--but when the church has been built upon the same stuff, it's not just individual identity that's at stake. The American church's identity is on the line, too. I'm with you. It's high time we stopped making POC answer our questions and do our work for us. We have so much work to do. Thank you for this!
Andrea, this is an interesting contribution. I am familiar with Dr. Joy but not Menakem. I will make it a point to explore her work. If I may offer, in addition to what you have shared, that shame and fear are also undesirable emotional responses for Black people, although they are more likely to be evoked by entirely different events and circumstances. Whereas white people might fear the devaluation of their social currency and feel shame at the loss of station it previously afforded them, Black people’s fear is generally rooted in the looming losses of more essential facets such as health, livelihood, stability, freedom and life itself. Our shame stems from fear (or fatigue) driven acquiescence to the constant requirement to mask, shrink, comply, pretend, ignore, restrain, stand down, assimilate, code switch, debase, and self-deprecate to disarm ‘others’ and make them feel more comfortable with us. Because we know without a doubt that our survival and successes are inextricably tied to the comfort, security, self-esteem and dispositions of our white colleagues, bosses, neighbors, etc., we learn to manage and even coexist with our fear and our shame. We do so by making successive conscious and deliberate choices that override our natural instincts. If we can, you guys can, too. Agape.
Andrea, thank you for this thoughtful contribution and the readiness to point out the fear and shame aspect and our neurobiology, that keeps us in limbic mode.
Austin, thank you. Thank you for calling me out, for waking this nice white person to the truth. I am afraid. You nailed it. That said, this is how change, real change happens. I am a nurse, I know how to advocate. In fact, I am an expert in advocating for my patients rights and needs, often In the face of negative consequences. So really, no excuse. I have what it takes, and will not be afraid.
"your niceness only serves you"