The Shadow of Hope

After the election was announced I did an IG Live. This is a heavily edited transcript. The first half was specifically for Black women. The middle section is to white women. And the last section is a little advice for talking to the girls in your life you are also devastated. I hope something in here helps. We get to talking about what election means. But for starters, I thought it might be important to talk about hope, and what happens when it dies.

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To Black Women

I know there is a very particular pain that you are experiencing right now that I want to be mindful of. Anyone who studies racial justice, race and history, or movement work, you all know of a phenomenon called white backlash (also sometimes called white rage or whitelash). We have been in an era of white backlash from the moment President Barack Obama gave his acceptance speech. The amount of blacklash to that moment has been a lot. And so the first thing that I want to say is that I'm so sorry that the backlash isn't over. I really, really wanted the backlash to be over.

It typically takes years and years and years. (I think I read somewhere that a decade of backlash is not unusual but dont quote me on that. If true that means 2008-2018, but then we had some pretty big wins in the eyes of our opponents in 2020. So its possible that we have entered another cycle and are only 4 years into that one).  Anyway, I had really hoped that wherever we are in the cycle, that we could have cut it short with another big win. I wish we could have cut this backlash short.  

But here we are. What I want to say to you right now is that knowing is not the same thing as living. So it's really okay that you are feeling a lot of emotions right now, even though you knew it was a possibility that we would not be electing a black woman as president, and even though you knew that we were in an era of backlash, and even though you have had all the evidence to suggest this might not go the way we had hoped. It would be so nice if that knowing led to not having to feel, right? Wouldn't that be nice? It would be so nice if that knowing meant you didn't have to experience “the living” of it, right? I wish I could save you, save us from having to experience the emotions, experience the turmoil, experience the frustration, right? But it doesn't work like that.  

And I think what is really, really important in this moment is that you not beat yourself up for the hope. I think it's really important that you resist saying to yourself, see if I had just never hoped, then I wouldn't even be feeling anything. I wouldn't even be feeling this way. I would just be like, I would just be fine today. You know, instead, may you take care of yourself today over the next four years, because our history as Black women in America is filled with work that matters, even if we dont always see the fruit of it in the way that we hope for. 

Someone who easily comes to mind is Ida B Wells, right?  We love her work. We laud her work. But also the anti lynching bill she fought for never passed. I'm gonna guess that made her sad. I'm gonna guess that made her mad. I'm gonna guess she experienced disappointment and frustration. I'm gonna guess at some point she sat down and thought, What is all of this for? Why am I doing this? Why am I putting my life at risk? Why am I putting my family's life at risk? Why am I doing this to myself? And I don't know what her answer would have been, y'all, but my answer for you is that you did it for you. Sometimes there is this narrative in America that we will save democracy, that will save America from itself. 

But I hope the truth is that you do what you do because you are a full and equal citizen demanding full and equal citizenship, right? And that demand, that hope is never a bad thing. Even when America pushes back, it was still always the right thing to do. 

It was still the right thing to do. It was still the right place to put your hope. The fact that America got it wrong doesn't make you wrong. You are always right to fight for the America that you deserve. 

So the question that remains is what do we do with the fact that America is exactly who we thought it was? And I know that a lot of people right now are saying that the answer to that is to fight. We have to get up off the floor. We have to get ready. And I appreciate that resolve. I do. I really do. I appreciate that resolve. But again, to black women, I want to say to you that I know you tired. 

I know you're tired because you were fighting when the flood waters hit Katrina and you were fighting to elect the first Black president. And you were fighting when the Confederate statues came down. And you were fighting when you marched through the streets of Ferguson. And you were fighting when Black folks were gunned down in Mother Emanuel. And this list could go on and on and on and on. I also know there are people around you who ain't been in the fight that long. And they can say “fight” because they havent been inside the ropes as long as you have. I know you’re tired. 

So you let the people who feel like getting off the mat and who want to fight to go do that. But for you who are tired, who've been fighting long before this election, long before George Floyd, long before 2020,  long before 2016, long before Ferguson, long before Trayvon Martin, long before Katrina: I plead with you to honor your humanity today. Please just honor your humanity today.

You know I keep thinking about the seven stages of grief. I was doing a crossword puzzle the other day, and that was one of the clues- what are the seven stages of grief. And it has me thinking about what the seven stages of grief are when it comes to justice movement work. When it comes to this level of hopelessness, right?

I think you're going to see them all across social media, right? You are going to see anger. You are gonna see despair. You might even see some forms of denial. There are some stages of grief that I think apply here, but I think there are some others. One you are definitely going to see is the blame game. Who do we hold responsible for this? Who can we be mad at?

I think the levels of anger are nuanced. We will be mad at the results. We will be mad at what those results say about America. We will also be mad at the people who are not reacting the way that you're reacting. 

The reason I mention this is because I really want you to be connected to yourself and to what you are feeling and to where you are- recognizing that other people are in other stages. You know what I'm saying?

Please honor your own humanity, because dishonoring your humanity has been the true hallmark of America. You know, the thing that white folks kept saying in 2016 was, “this is not who we are. This is not who we are.” Well, Friends. We knew the truth. This is exactly who we are. It's exactly what we are.

But black women, that's not your fault. And I think it is imperative that we take a moment and ask ourselves: what is it that this moment demands for ourselves, right? Not for America, not for your congregation, and not for your workplace, not for your community. 

Does it demand you being in the community with your friends?

I remember in 2016 I just needed to hear the voice of my grandmother. I didn't have anything specifically to talk to her about, I just needed to hear her voice. So in what ways is it important for you to honor your humanity? Is it feeding yourself well today? Is it moving your body? Do you need to walk? Do you need to dance? Do you need to write? 

How can you tend to yourself in this moment? 

I think it's a given that we're going to get back in the fight. What other choice do we have? We're not ever going to stop demanding that our full humanity be acknowledged and honored, right? We're not ever gonna stop. But that doesn't mean that on today you need to be teaching, or that you need to be organizing. Let yourself be human, and not just today. Let yourself be human. Let yourself cycle through all the feelings, all the emotions, all the stages of grief, right? Go find a book of poetry. Go find your favorite movies and TV shows. Please pour into yourself. Go play with the babies. Just do what you need to do to honor who you are.

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To white women,

When I first popped on IG Live a whole lot of y'all wrote something to the effect of: Why did I even hope? 

Friends, what was the alternative? 

Listen, I wish that hopelessness was not a part of this work. It would be really nice. I would love to tell you that when you joined the movement for racial justice, or to stand up for the marginalized, or became progressive that we were going to win it all. But that's not how this works. Okay? You have hope because you believe that your rights should be protected. You have hope because it was a possibility. You had hope because you're tired of banned books. You had hope because you want the mass Incarceration status quo to change. You had hope because genocide makes you angry. You had hope.

What was the alternative to your having hope? Would you rather have given up? Given in?  Not care? Acquiesce? Practice apathy?  What else were you going to do with your time and energy?

Is heartbreak real? Yes. Is hopelessness real? Yeah, but I will tell you time and time again, hope is a duty. Hope is a duty. Hope is a duty. Hope is not about how we feel. Hope is a duty. Hope is what we do. Hope is what we do, regardless of how we feel. Hope is what propels us to say this is right and this is wrong, and I am going to stand up for what I believe is right. That hope, that hope is a duty. So I'mma need for y'all to stop with the why did I even hope?  Cut that out. Cut that out.

You will survive your heartbreak. The fight is coming. And so for all of you who are like, “Oh, I was only just getting started,” that's fantastic. Hold on to that. You gotta hold on to that, because there is going to be more work to do. You are going to have to undermine the system. You're going to have to speak truth to power. You're going to have to go against the grain. You're going to have to organize new systems.More work is coming, and so I'mma need for you to get used to heartbreak (well maybe not used to it. That's not fair.) But I do  need you to learn how to move through it. 

I need you to learn how to move through it. Because that's what black women are doing right now. Black women are moving through it. We are figuring it out. We are figuring out how we feel. We are figuring out what this tells us about America. We are resting, some. But we are going to get back into the fight. Because Black women know that hope is a duty. There is no other choice except to fight for my personhood.

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For our daughters:

Okay, I see a lot of people asking, How do I talk to my girls? How do I talk to my daughters? How do I talk to my nieces? How do I talk to my students about this? And what I would say is:

1.  It is really, really important that you simply help them navigate how they feel right. And what this all means is different from how they feel, right? I think it could be really important to help your daughters name the emotion. Can you get out your emotion wheel? Can you allow them to point to it and say, “I feel sad.” Or “I feel worried.” Or “I feel disappointed.” I think there is great value in simply teaching girls how to name what they feel and validate, validate, validate. Help them navigate their emotional lives.

2. I think then it's important to say, okay, so what can we do about that fear, right? How can we teach them about their own agency. They cant fix the election, but they can write notes to their friends who are immigrants. They can volunteer at the food bank. They can form or join a queer kids support group. You know? How can they practice agency? 

3. But it’s also important to put parameters around that agency, right? We're not going to try and write notes to every single person that we've ever met in our entire lives, right? Because this is a trap that Black women fall into. We identify where we have agency, and then we go all in- to the degree that we can forget about ourselves. And I think this is a good season to teach black girls, to teach all girls: This is how we identify our emotions. This is how we can practice some agency, right? This is how we can fight against this, fight against the fear, fight against the sadness, fight against the despair, right? But we are going to do it in a boundaried way. 

4. So circle back with them. Okay, so now, how do you feel? Oh, you're feeling good today?! Great. Let's go to the park!  I think it's just really important that we walk our girls through this moment. Because what all of you know for sure is that this is not going to be the the last time that America disappoints. Lets prepare them to keep fighting but in healthy ways. 

I hope that that's helpful.  

Peace be unto all of you. We are going to continue to walk this thing together. Please take care of yourselves. Please take care of one another.