I’m not a fan of feeling my feelings. Even though I often tell other people it’s fine for them to feel their own. I’m great at giving medicine; not so great at taking it. Give me a choice, and I will opt for numbness over emotions. Give me an ice cold room, a bed + blanket, and a stack of movies… You might not see me for days. I will stuff those little emotions down so far, I can love in denial of their existence and hide them under my chocolate covered pretzels. But.
But now we are in the middle of a pandemic and my feelings are changing by the hour. Anything can kick up a new set of emotions- the news, a tweet, the weather. I actually got pissed the other day because I thought it was going to be sunny and warm (I live in Michigan), but it was only sunny until 11am. Then the clouds arrived and the temperature dropped until it was in the 40s. I was livid, y’all. Between the cooking and the kids, the isolation and the job, the unemployment and the anxiety, the misinformation and the ways people’s shenanigans still haven’t stopped- well, it’s a lot. Every day is a lot. Who knew one could feel so many feelings every 24 hours?
If feeling your feelings is hard for you too, I would like to be the one to give you permission to not numb out, if you’re ready to feel. I give you permission to feel lots of things once.
I give you permission to be hopeful one minute, cynical the next and confused the rest of the time. I give you permission to enjoy your family and be overwhelmed by them. I give you permission to be lonely and sad but also to have moment of great joy, great fulfillment, great love. I give you permission to be mad at the world, made at racism, mad at classism, mad at injustice. I definitely give you permission to be mad at some leaders and proud of others. I give you permission to love the children in your life, to miss the children in your life, to be tired of how much the children in your life require right now. I give you permission to move in and out of productivity, in and out of creativity. I give you permission to start your day dancing and end it crying. I give you permission to be filled with grief, to experience disappointment over and over again, to want more from 2020. And I give you permission to enjoy the sweet moments- the texts and conversations and phone calls and zoom meet ups and dj sets and Netflix parties and cute animal videos. I give you permission to need help, to feel frustrated, to be angry. And I give you permission to not know what you need today. I give you permission to feel it all, as you feel it all.
I invite you to commune with your humanity.
I invite you to share that humanity with the people who know and love you.
I invite you to need and be needed.
I invite you to weave and dance through relationships and grief and fear and love as best you can right now.
I invite you to survive. I want you to survive, and I want you to survive with your humanity intact.
Thank you dear sister for the gift of your words and the gift of permission and normalizing what so many of us feel! Your timing is GOLDEN. I was telling my counselor yesterday that my emotions were all over the map, a weighty sadness one moment, to gratitude another to get some overdue projects done, to anger, to listlessness and fatigue, to joy...whew! We certainly are human! And our good good God knows that. Thank God!
If I may, I wanted to share what I posted on FB several days ago from the disability community whom I serve and am a part of:
"From the disability community to those who are “able.” ❤️ I hope you will find that it’s okay to hold loose, to not be able to do everything on your list, to do nothing, to have a messy house, & to be in need & feeling helpless. This is probably a truer picture of yourself now than when you are running full speed, your real need & vulnerability hidden by activity & health.
We are simply witnessing how ablesim can be such a disability in times like these. Don’t miss the gifts that our community & many others around the world (refugees, those facing poverty, war, etc.) already know...WE ARE NOT IN CONTROL. And gosh, WHAT A GIFT that can be if you allow it to transform you.
The Christian beattitudes hold true...”blessed are the poor in spirit, those who know their need of God.” The disenfranchized among us know this. Whatever your spiritual orientation, I pray you can give in to the Giver of all peace who is. It’s so liberating & the one place you will find true rest. ❤️ Don’t miss the blessing. XOXO"
I so appreciate your words! I remember the first time someone told me that I was allowed to feel what I was feeling. I have to constantly remind myself I am allowed. ❤️